Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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