so let's talk penis.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
