I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it because I queefed?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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