I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
