Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
