Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She said her name was "party"
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My feet surprised me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
