I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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