there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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