I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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