Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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