Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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