I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
