you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
