either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
