Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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