when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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