Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
