i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
