can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
