Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
