dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
