I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
