i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
