Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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