my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
