He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i think my cat just said my name.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
