At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I need moral support for this bender
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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