The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
