Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
