Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
