The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
