Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
