Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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