Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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