plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels