Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
