i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
