As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
