I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
