You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
