hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
