I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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