Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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