I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
