I intend to get homeless drunk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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