More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
