He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
