Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
