you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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