You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
