if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
