On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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