Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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