so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
