I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
