you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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