I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
