the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
