I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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