i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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