The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
