Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
