I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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